David (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} djohns) wrote,@ 2009-01-01 23:05:00 |
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Welcome to 2009
Happy New Year, peeps!
I have no resolutions that I need to declare; I've never been a big fan of tradition in general and that tradition in particular. I do have some musings that I intend to share.
This last year has taught me a lot about myself. One of the things it has taught me is that living my life through trial-and-error is not the right way to go about doing things. I feel this weight, this pressure, to stop *trying* and just *be.* And as a consequence, I need to stop making major changes to my life without more security to back them up. When I moved to New York, I told myself a lot of things about how it was going to be. Some of them have come true, but as is always the case, most of them have nothing to do with reality.
Reality is:
I've backslid. Progress that I had made in my life has just vanished as I find myself living-to-work. Thankfully, I've not backslid so far that work is all-consuming; it's just that there's not much to fill the void outside of those hours.
I have some great friends here. Kirsti and Mike and Cody are awesome, and I'm glad I get to hang with them fairly often.
I'm not making any new friends here. I've got people who I could cultivate as friends, but this city makes it _terribly_ inconvenient to do so. It is _amazing_ how inconvenient this city can be. And honestly, I don't know that I want to commit to building friendships in this place when I think about the places that I've been before, and how much more comfortable I've been in them. (Austin, Seattle, Boston)
I've let a lot of friendships slide, and I'm having some regrets. I remember getting drunk on Asti Spumante with my friend Jo and giggling for hours. I remember _just being_ with some of my friends in Austin, and how good that was. I remember hanging out with my friend Jamie and reading poetry. I remember muttering "Precious Stereo" and laughing for hours with my friend Chelsea. Even though I talk with my friend Megan all the time online, I want to _give her a hug._ I can't do these things, and I'm not even in touch with some of these people, because the commitment required is enormous. Truth be told, all of the people I mention have moved on in various ways - they are getting a lot of their needs met by people who are very close to them, who are committed to them. That's something I've locked myself out of, and it exacerbates the problem.
So I'm entering 2009 with this tension; I have to pursue a fulfilling life for myself, but how to proceed now is not clear. I could dedicate my time and energy to getting what I need locally, but that commits me more deeply to NYC, which has a lot of drawbacks and only a few benefits. I could reach out more to the people I miss, but that leads to the aches that distance evokes. I wish that I could pick my life in Boston back up, but that's a fool's dream at this point.
Maybe the answer is to just spend all of my time at the gym. :P
Happy New Year, peeps!
I have no resolutions that I need to declare; I've never been a big fan of tradition in general and that tradition in particular. I do have some musings that I intend to share.
This last year has taught me a lot about myself. One of the things it has taught me is that living my life through trial-and-error is not the right way to go about doing things. I feel this weight, this pressure, to stop *trying* and just *be.* And as a consequence, I need to stop making major changes to my life without more security to back them up. When I moved to New York, I told myself a lot of things about how it was going to be. Some of them have come true, but as is always the case, most of them have nothing to do with reality.
Reality is:
I've backslid. Progress that I had made in my life has just vanished as I find myself living-to-work. Thankfully, I've not backslid so far that work is all-consuming; it's just that there's not much to fill the void outside of those hours.
I have some great friends here. Kirsti and Mike and Cody are awesome, and I'm glad I get to hang with them fairly often.
I'm not making any new friends here. I've got people who I could cultivate as friends, but this city makes it _terribly_ inconvenient to do so. It is _amazing_ how inconvenient this city can be. And honestly, I don't know that I want to commit to building friendships in this place when I think about the places that I've been before, and how much more comfortable I've been in them. (Austin, Seattle, Boston)
I've let a lot of friendships slide, and I'm having some regrets. I remember getting drunk on Asti Spumante with my friend Jo and giggling for hours. I remember _just being_ with some of my friends in Austin, and how good that was. I remember hanging out with my friend Jamie and reading poetry. I remember muttering "Precious Stereo" and laughing for hours with my friend Chelsea. Even though I talk with my friend Megan all the time online, I want to _give her a hug._ I can't do these things, and I'm not even in touch with some of these people, because the commitment required is enormous. Truth be told, all of the people I mention have moved on in various ways - they are getting a lot of their needs met by people who are very close to them, who are committed to them. That's something I've locked myself out of, and it exacerbates the problem.
So I'm entering 2009 with this tension; I have to pursue a fulfilling life for myself, but how to proceed now is not clear. I could dedicate my time and energy to getting what I need locally, but that commits me more deeply to NYC, which has a lot of drawbacks and only a few benefits. I could reach out more to the people I miss, but that leads to the aches that distance evokes. I wish that I could pick my life in Boston back up, but that's a fool's dream at this point.
Maybe the answer is to just spend all of my time at the gym. :P
