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Tuesday, March 24th, 2009
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So it's evening, and I'm alone with my mind. One of my friends is texting me because he needs support in doing a hard thing; another is e-mailing me because he wants to reflect on his desire to go traveling even though the economy is poop-ish. I'm avoiding facebook even more strenuously than usual because the people I used to live among as a child have found me.
I'm standing in the middle of a road that stretches to the horizon. There are no forks, no turns, no dirt tracks leading away. Nothing. Is this really all there is? The inevitable, interminable now?
I hate it when people that I've crushed on get ahold of me. (Traveler above is one such person. Another, an intern that I used to work with, got ahold of me yesterday.) I want, I crave, I _need_ their attention; but everything about it is shameful to me. Being needy shames me. I am ashamed with my comportment around them. I am too ashamed to disconnect.
One of my favorite games as a child was hide-n-go-seek. Who doesn't like it? But I remember endlessly pestering my brothers and sister to play. I remember being told to learn to entertain myself. When we did play, I didn't win very often. On the other hand, I think I'm hidden to this very day.
[Edit: Desolation is such a great word. It's like desperation and isolation all wrapped up together!]
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Sunday, January 4th, 2009
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I read fark.com waaaay too much. Recently, I was reading the thread of comments from the article about how AWESOME THE 60s WERE. One thing I noted was a conversation about "people joining the middle class" and education.
An assumption that caught my eye was the conflation of a white collar job with being a member of the middle class. Has this ever been true? Does it make sense to assert that everyone who does phone support is immediately a member of the middle class? What does it say about my status in our class system if I turn my nose down at that as an opportunity? (I seriously would rather be an electrician or a plumber or such.)
I think that's one false assumption people make; white collar jobs do not a middle class make. Conversely, blue collar jobs do not imply lower class persons. A corollary to this is that there are other blue collar jobs than manufacturing, people. (An electrician is, generally speaking, considered a 'blue-collar' worker, but in the modern US they are contracted with as service providers just like your freaking lawyer, except with less of the professional cultural stupidity.)
There are all sorts of assumptions that people make about the broad models that we use to describe the current state of things, and these assumptions are often _very_ wrong. As a result, people tend to make decisions that are perfectly consistent with their ideas but almost entirely misguided.
Yes, I do this too; however, I've also cultivated mechanisms for detecting false assumptions and correcting them. So now the question is - why are people so reluctant to test their assumptions? It really doesn't hurt to let them go when they've missed the mark. Maybe I'm just too comfortable with uncertainty.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, January 3rd, 2009
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Domestic:
Boston and then rural Maine
Portland and Seattle
Hawaii
Alaska
Puerto Rico
New Mexico
Nevada
Miami area in Florida (I know, I know)
International:
Vancouver area
Caribbean destination of choice
Resort Mexico (Cancun or Cozumel perhaps)
Costa Rica
Mali and/or Ghana
Bali
Ethiopia
Israel
S. Korea
Japan
I do wish I had the cash to take a few months off and tour. That would be fun :D
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, January 1st, 2009
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Happy New Year, peeps!
I have no resolutions that I need to declare; I've never been a big fan of tradition in general and that tradition in particular. I do have some musings that I intend to share.
This last year has taught me a lot about myself. One of the things it has taught me is that living my life through trial-and-error is not the right way to go about doing things. I feel this weight, this pressure, to stop *trying* and just *be.* And as a consequence, I need to stop making major changes to my life without more security to back them up. When I moved to New York, I told myself a lot of things about how it was going to be. Some of them have come true, but as is always the case, most of them have nothing to do with reality.
Reality is:
I've backslid. Progress that I had made in my life has just vanished as I find myself living-to-work. Thankfully, I've not backslid so far that work is all-consuming; it's just that there's not much to fill the void outside of those hours.
I have some great friends here. Kirsti and Mike and Cody are awesome, and I'm glad I get to hang with them fairly often.
I'm not making any new friends here. I've got people who I could cultivate as friends, but this city makes it _terribly_ inconvenient to do so. It is _amazing_ how inconvenient this city can be. And honestly, I don't know that I want to commit to building friendships in this place when I think about the places that I've been before, and how much more comfortable I've been in them. (Austin, Seattle, Boston)
I've let a lot of friendships slide, and I'm having some regrets. I remember getting drunk on Asti Spumante with my friend Jo and giggling for hours. I remember _just being_ with some of my friends in Austin, and how good that was. I remember hanging out with my friend Jamie and reading poetry. I remember muttering "Precious Stereo" and laughing for hours with my friend Chelsea. Even though I talk with my friend Megan all the time online, I want to _give her a hug._ I can't do these things, and I'm not even in touch with some of these people, because the commitment required is enormous. Truth be told, all of the people I mention have moved on in various ways - they are getting a lot of their needs met by people who are very close to them, who are committed to them. That's something I've locked myself out of, and it exacerbates the problem.
So I'm entering 2009 with this tension; I have to pursue a fulfilling life for myself, but how to proceed now is not clear. I could dedicate my time and energy to getting what I need locally, but that commits me more deeply to NYC, which has a lot of drawbacks and only a few benefits. I could reach out more to the people I miss, but that leads to the aches that distance evokes. I wish that I could pick my life in Boston back up, but that's a fool's dream at this point.
Maybe the answer is to just spend all of my time at the gym. :P
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, October 11th, 2008
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Vocxa discucxo:
NfNitLoop> Kiom da picho vi havas?
Mi> Ne suficxe!
NfNitLoop>Ne, vere! Kiom da picho havas vi?
Me> Uh... Neniom?
For those of you esperanto deprived, a colloquial translation:
"How much pussy you got?" "NOT ENOUGH!" "No, really, how much pussy do you have?" "Uh... none?"
Correction: Mi havas neniom da picxo, bitches.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
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"Any time that a liberal points out that the wealthy are disproportionately benefiting from Bush's tax policies, Republicans shout, "class warfare!"
In her book A Distant Mirror: The Calamitous Fourteenth Century, Barbara Tuchman writes about a peasant revolt in 1358 that began in the village of St. Leu and spread throughout the Oise Valley. At one estate, the serfs sacked the manor house, killed the knight, and roasted him on a spit in front of his wife and kids. Then, after ten or twelve peasants violated the lady, with the children still watching, they forced her to eat the roasted flesh of her dead husband and then killed her.
That is class warfare.
Arguing over the optimum marginal tax rate for the top one percent is not."
Yes, my friends, that's right - if you piss off all the little people, eventually they kill and eat you.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, October 3rd, 2008
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The Meme: As evidenced by Katie Couric, Sarah Palin is unable to name any Supreme Court Case other than Roe v. Wade.
The Rules: Post info about ONE Supreme Court decision, modern or historic, to your LJ. (Any decision, as long as it's not Roe v. Wade.) For those who see this on your f-list, take the meme to your OWN LiveJournal to spread the fun.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_Clara_County_v._Southern_Pacific_Railroad
Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad established the personhood of corporations when it comes to the application of the law. (I have no idea how correct the wikipedia article is, but this is the court case that gets pointed to.)
I should really start "The Second Amendment, LLC" - I wonder if selling guns in my spare time is a good racket.
Ultimately, I see this particular court case as advancing the likelihood of a fascist American state. Not a big fan of it, as you can imagine. ;)
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Friday, September 19th, 2008
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Hexapod and intrepidredhead inspired me.
Rules:
* take a picture of yourself right now.
* don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair... just take a picture.
* post that picture with NO editing.
* post these instructions with your picture.
Enjoy! And unlike hexapod, I need a haircut at the moment.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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So. So so so. I haven't posted in forever.
First! I am looking to take a position with the NYTimes and move to New York. I have some very good friends there and the last Boston-specific thing holding me here has weakened dramatically.
Second! I am confused. People talk to me. Lady on the bus, guy on the bus, guy on the subway, other guy on the subway - I don't get it. This used to happen a lot, it stopped for a long time, and now it's happening again. WTF?
Third! I don't think there's enough time in the day to do all the shit I need to do. That is all.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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I dreamed about work. At my current company.
I had written this little web app that was used to render a static view of stuff we were simulating (and now that I think about it, that's a great idea!) and presented it to some of my coworkers. One of my coworkers took it upon himself to refactor the UI code so that it was prettier.
We had some 'style' differences.
It had moved from something entirely markup-driven to a mishmash of javascript and html. This, in and of itself, not too bad. But it was done in such a way that most of the javascript was calls to Document.write(), which makes Baby Jesus QQ. And there were no functions - all the javascript was inline, and it used references to the position of things in the DOM to get primitive UI elements. So... modify it and BEWM. Correction: there was ONE "function" named "main" - which appeared to do nothing but call Document.write() with whatever you passed it - and it was called multiple times.
So after viewing all of this, and being appalled, the real kicker hit; I noticed that it was now rendering everything upside down.
Also, my dad gave Patrick Swayze a ride in an old Plymouth Triumph convertible. That I kind of want now.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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From hexapod :)
1) What's your worst sin against the planet?
I think my worst sin against the planet is a thoughtcrime - I believe deeply that we should do our best to live lightly, to make as little impact as is reasonable. BUT. I also am too cynical to believe that much effort at all is reasonable. Basically, in economic terms, I can conserve all I want, but it's just letting other people waste for longer before the consequences become apparent to them.
If you want a specific behavior, though, I'm really bad about eating imported foods with high transportation costs. MOAR AVOCADOS PLZ
2) Highway traffic is 75 on a 65-mph freeway (ie lots of drivers, and everyone's going at least 75). Do you speed?
Yep. Better to keep the system flowing smoothly than to just blindly follow the rules.
3) Would you make a good dad?
Wow, this one's below the belt ;) Yes, I would. But, having grown up in East Texas, I pretty much eschew any interaction with kids outside of my nieces and nephews, and I won't be having any kids myself. I have too much insight into things that suck about growing up to want to put people through it, even if I think I can help them do it well.
4) What's the coolest technological development that happened between 1800 and 1850?
Telegraph?
Steam Locomotive?
Anaesthesia.
I sat and cried for ten minutes when I came across this inscription on this monument in the Boston Public Garden.
http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/images/ma/MABOSethermonument1.jpg
My city has a monument dedicated "To commemorate that the inhaling of ether causes insensibility to pain." That is stunningly beautiful to me.
5) You've been kicked out of the US and you can't come back. Where do you go to live?
Ooo, fun. Depends. If I had all the choices in the world, I'd head for the British Virgin Islands or New Zealand. If I needed to make a living, I'd hit up Australia, Switzerland, and Germany for opportunities. Not being able to return to the U.S. makes Canada a not-so-wonderful option, but otherwise, I'd probably just head for Vancouver. Now, if I _really_ had my way... I'd travel among all of the above, and wherever else the urge takes me. :)
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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via ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) infinitevoid and p3rlm0nk
The rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions of a very intimate and creepily personal nature. Or not so creepy/personal.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
( Long answers - InfiniteVoid )
( Long answers - perlmonk )
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Comments: Read 13 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
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I purchased my first sweater evar. I will purchase more.
For those of you who don't know, I have broken my caffeine habit. I'm actually doing aerobic exercise again and sometimes actually cook food at home now. I think the thing I still need to take care of most of all is getting my room cleaned up. :P
I have a lot of travelling I can potentially do this year: I'd like to take a west coast trip (Seattle and Portland,) go visit family in Montana over the fourth of July, not to mention NY lulz, visits to family and friends in Texas, and I'd like to do something tropical sometime - maybe not this year, though.
I miss thunderstorms a lot. That's one thing that's sad about these northern coastal cities; thunder is rare. (At least, in comparison to East Texas... ;)
Ramble over for now :D
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Comments: Read 11 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, November 2nd, 2007
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Tilos, opinions?
14:44 < intrepidr> well, if you have a time machine
14:44 < x^_> IGNORE THE PARADOX IN THE BASEMENT
14:44 < intrepidr> and go get someone from, say, 18th c Poland
14:44 < intrepidr> they're dead in the 21st c
14:45 < intrepidr> so is it murder if you kill them "again"?
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 21st, 2007
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I need to buy something to put some shelves up in the bathroom and kitchen cabinets. Looking at these: http://www.containerstore.com/browse/Product.jhtml?CATID=71234&PRODID=59831
I've held off because, with shipping, I'd be spending about $45 to get what I'm looking for and I'm not sure whether they would really meet my needs or not.
Turns out that a reusable spray bottle is a reasonable alternative to a solar shower for camping. Now I need a better battery-powered fan (thinking http://www.preparedness.com/mindesflexcl.html or something like it) and I might actually be able to overnight outdoors without angst.
(Sleeping on the ground with no cover while it's snowing and I haven't eaten today? No problem. Not having a fan to help regulate temperature while trying to get to sleep? instant insomnia.)
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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The view from my new bedroom window at too-early o'clock...
That's right kids! That's sunrise over Cambridge, MA!
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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Of all the things that are true, the memory of them lies - no, embellishes -
because we cannot bear the awful silence that perturbs when we face these things fully.
Of all the things that are true, this is the most kind:
that the memory of them lies - no, embellishes -
because we cannot bear the awful silence that perturbs when we face these things fully.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
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| Subject: | OMFG. |
| Time: | 10:46 pm. |
| Music: | Placebo - Sleeping with Ghosts - Running Up That Hill. |
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So I was talking online about the fact that I've not been feeling up to snuff lately and someone was trying to get across the idea of an endorphin rush to me. I was informed that a lot of people get that warm, relaxed feeling from eating chocolate. I've only ever experienced that twice - and trust me, I would remember other times, clear as a fucking bell. I hate and envy you all so VERY MUCH right now.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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You see, if you open me up, you'll find all the people bits, but I'm secretly a collection of programmed pieces of meat hardware. You're just not looking hard enough. ^_^
And I have a plan.
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Comments: Read 18 or Add Your Own.
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